I have a friend who is a little like me. I am a bit of a loner and I don’t join things. I value solitude and don’t remember people’s names. My friend has been a freelance writer for seven or eight years. He is looking for a steady job, but he is not particularly social with strangers, especially ones with whom he has nothing in common (e.g. interviewers).

He interviewed for a job in my department, and although he didn’t screw it up as bad as he thought, he did not get the job.

He asked me for advice for making it through an interview. I have had probably more than 200 interviews in my life, and I have never been out of work for more than a month or so. Here is what I wrote:

You need a strong handshake and good eye contact. Smile and act like you are glad to meet everyone. Repeat everyone’s name and use their names when you can. (“Yes, Fred, I do think that this would be a great company to work for.”) Laugh when someone makes a joke. Make small jokes (not too clever or pointed).

Be prepared for the “soft” questions. “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”, “What would be the perfect job?”, “What is the worst mistake you ever made on a job?”, “Did you ever have a coworker that you didn’t like and what did you do about it?” ,”Why did you leave your last job?” “Why do you think this would be a good job for you?”. These answers always must be answered in a positive manner, never negative, for instance: you left your last job to take a more challenging job or you want this job because you are looking forward to the challenge. Even if it is a very negative question, be positive. You must appear to be ethical, positive, easy to work with, and willing to work long hours at low pay. You must fake sincerity in a believable way. Even if the interviewer is a complete asshole you must act like you are sexually aroused by him/her.

Use action words. You succeeded, not tried. You accomplished, not worked on. You completed, not started. Talk in terms of projects that you were successfully implemented, not tasks that you performed. Talk about your goals, not your duties. Talk about your fulfilling experiences rather than employment history.

Don’t ask questions about salary, benefits or vacation or time off, unless prompted. Ask about the work environment, which floor the office is on, how many people on the team. What kind of computers do they use. How large is the organization. Who will you report to. These are the questions that management cares about and they will spend lots of time telling you and you must act intrigued and delighted by the answers.

If you are sure all is lost, you can ask why the last person who had the job left, or what is the job turnover rate, and that will put them on the defensive (even if they have a prepared answer). You must not act too high and mighty, but act like you are trying to make up you mind about taking the job. If you can get to a position where they are trying to talk you into taking the job and you act just a little bit unconvinced, they might have to force you to take it.

Having a job is a survival thing. If you were faced with killing a man or being killed, you would be forced kill someone, even though killing is against your principles. You may have to go against your basic principles to get a job. This is a simple choice – get a job or starve. You must smile and act like a happy robot. They will find out about your true self quickly enough, but by then you may be a productive employee, and they won’t want to go through the process of hiring someone new.

Remember to take your umbrella when you leave (I have one of yours here from when you interviewed for the Web Editor job a few weeks ago.).